My life story. Andrew Shpagin

I was born in Ukraine in Mariupol city in 1975, in period of the Soviet Union. I had very various intereststs in my childhood. A couple of years I was interested in Biology, I even reared different animals at home. But in the age of 12 I took a great interest in Physics. I was very interested in the world structure and it's origin. I took part in different physics contests pretty successful. I was also interested in math. In the age of 14 I wrote a small research about the solution of differential equations. In general I was interested in everything that was logical, everything that slightly opened a curtain of mystery over how everything was organized. I almost didn't attend school in my last years, I had an individual schedule. I entered university on a physical faculty without any exams. I was interested in programming since my childhood. During my last years of school I was usually sitting at my mom's work and programed. At that time the most cool processor was 8086. When I was on my first year of University I wrote a valid debugger on Assembler. That was my first really big program.

---

Yet I was tormented by my inner antagonisms. I suffered because my inner person differed a lot compared with my outer person. Outwardly I seemed to be a good person, but inwardly I was full of corrupted images and desires. I was hold by my shyness from letting myself a full control during my «students life». However my shyness didn't stop me from living a double life: decent outwardly but quite different inwardly! I bought a lot of pornographic magazines.

On my third year of University I was invited to study the Bible in one students church. I agreed. It was a bit interesting, besides that time I couldn't say «NO». But I attented the church not long, I argued with a «shepherd» and I continued to be a convinced atheist. In Summer after my second year I went home. When I came back I refused to continue the Bible studying. I'd made up a pretty convincing theory about how could everything come from nothing. For two years after that I'd been trying to convince myself that God doesn't exist. I gave a hard «No!» on each invitation to come to the church. I wanted to live a pure righteous life filled with the truth... though without God, but reality showed me it was impossible. Corruption in my mind, pornographic magazines — all those things were a secret part of my life. So one day when I was on my fifth year of University I spoke to one of my friends who had become a Christian recently. He confessed that he had the same problems. Then I decided to myself that my life was to be changed, so I went to the church, where I'd been studying the Bible earlier, and asked to study it with me again. I had decided to follow that way to the end. I saw that the Christ himself and all the things he tought was the truth. I repented, I'd thrown my case with pornomagazines and decided to live a new life as a desciple of Jesus. My mom opposed me and cried a lot. I loved her very much and it was very hard for me to see her tears, but I'd already decided to become a Christian and follow the Christ.

After my fifth year of University I decided that I would be a programmer and not a physicist. Though I'm still interesting in physics, especially I'm concerned with a question about the boundary between quantum and classical physics, because this question remains to be open till now.

I became a programmer. I worked in a very small company for a short period of time. That company made russian translations of different games. I was supposed to define a data format in which games' texts and fonts were stored. In that time it was quite legal in Ukraine, though it was clear that my employers were engaged in piracy. In our times piracy and infringement of copyright concideres as a grave crime, but thenadays no one cared about that. I felt myselt uncomfortable on that job, so I left as soon as I could. That company folded up soon.

Getting a new job was very easy and unusual. My future boss saked me if I could make a game like Warcraft II in 8 months term? I said «yes» with confidence. He asked me about salary I would like to have. I told him (that was rather large sum of money for that time). He agreed and told me to bring a game demo in a month. So in a month I brought the demo; he looked, amazed, and that is how we started to work together. At that time I wasn't an expert in C++. I had been programming on Assembler and Pascal, so I had to learn C++ at the same time. When the game was on it's closing stage I moved to the company's office for I'd been working at home.

---

Soon several serious questions appeared. The first was could I be a Christian and create computer games? Sometimes it seemed to me that computer games were a great evil, because they distract people from reality and seeking of the truth. From the other hand, I played games myself sometimes, but yet I wasn't dependent on it. Besides I had responsibility before my boss who had already paid me a lot of money. Should I really quit everything and go away? If I did that it would be called «betrayal». It was also against my conscience to quit everything. I was in agony because of that dilemma. For a few days I couldn't work physically. I prayed and asked for an answer what should I do. It seemed there was no way out. I'd already decided to call my boss and tell him that I couldn't work with him any longer. But then I prayed together with my good friend. I decided to do anything that God wanted no matter what it would cost me. If I had to quit I would quit, if I had to stay I would stay. Those several minutes of praying I will remember for the rest of my life, because I've heard a clear answer. I saw a vision. I saw a city from the bird's-eye view. It was with skyscrapers shining in the rays of the sunset. I'd realized that God is higher and stronger than anything as He was higher than that beautiful city made by human beings. And I'd herd clearly a voice telling me the answer on my question: «Do whatever you want. Both of it is right before Me, because it's by faith». It was like an illumination for me. It became obvious that the choise itself was not the most important, much more important was the reason why I wanted to do this of that. My main motive in both cases was to act like a Christian and to please God, that was more important than the act itself. However it doesn't mean that every good ends justify the means. You can't blindly apply the rule: if my motives are right than my actions are right too. That's a wrong logic! In a hard situation you are just to cry out to God and He will hear. There is no universal principle or a rule out of touch with God Himself. In that minute my deep grief was replaced with great joy and relief. I cried because of joy. I decided to stay in the company. On the next day I went to work and invited my boss to study the Bible, though before that I even was ashamed to confess that I was a Christian. That day I just realized that God was absolutely real. Even though my boss refused but one of my workmates agreed to study the Bible and soon he believed in Jesus Christ. Through all those events I'd understood that the most important thing in life was to act according to faith and conscience.

Soon after that another important question appeared before me. Taxes! For people from the West that question might seem to be strange, for it is obvious that taxes are to be paid. But... then it was not a simple question. At that time there was a chaos in our country. A lot of small companies were chaotically created and broken up. In most cases paying taxes considered to be something immoral because country was ruled by criminals. Once some people with weapons broke in to the company I worked in, they put everybody on the floor and took away all money from the safe. They pretended as they were from the organized crime struggle department. They asked about drugs in order to «keep the propriety», but it was obvious that everthing they wanted was money and maybe something else. Taxes were too big, so intrinsically all small companies were criminals. And desicion about whom to punish and whom not to punish was being made by the corrupted system. Such were the customs of that times. So people didn't pay taxes if they could escape of it.

At that time we began to study The Epistle to the Romans in the church. We were on the 13th chapter. It says that we must be obedient to the government and that we are to pay taxes. How could I disobey God and say «should I do that too?» That question haunted me again. In the evening I prayed and firmly decided that I would go and speak to my boss and solve that problem with taxes. But when I woke up in the morning I felt myself an idiot. How can I say SUCH a thing to my boss? Right at that moment I saw the difference between God's and human's. Without grace and help of God I was just a weak person. But in prayer I recieved strength and resolution from God to raise the question. I came to my boss and said that as a Christian I must act according to my conscience and pay taxes. But he answered that paying taxes in our country was not only against conscience but also with a high risk of impoverish (taxes were about 50%). It was hard to disagree. How could we satisfy both our interests at the same time? And the answer came soon. I suggested him to make my salary 250 griven (about 60-70$). He agreed to pay taxes from that sum. Please, don't think that my boss was greedy. It was just a principled stand. He was always kind. We were friends who could totally trust each other. About 2 years or less I lived with that salary. That was really happy time for me. Of course that was very small salary, but yet it was enough. In Summer I got to my work by bicycle or just walked (the distanse was about 12 km). I ate at work without any payment. In fact, it looked like I was working just «for food» even though I had rather high position in the company. But it didn't bother me. The Lord was changing my value system, that money and riches would never be something important and valuable. The true happiness was not in having a lot of wealth but in living in peace with the Lord and yourself.

---

Once, there was an interesting occasion. In the evening when I was supposed to go home suddenly I herd one man laudly boasted of a «good» job that was recently offered: to translate into russian a game of immoral content. He was very happy. But I've become very upset — did my company would really do such a thing? I wanted to stop that somehow. But I realized that translation into russian language was the only source of income for the company. At that time I was working on a game «Cossacks» but it was pretty far to the profit. So my streight demand not to do that translation might sound like «let's not earn money». But I couldn't leave that case just like that. I prayed but I didn't know what could I change. Yet I'd decided to talk to my boss the next morning and tell him that I disagree to make translations of the games with such content. But how I was surprized when my boss told me that he spoke with the customers and he had already decided not to translate that game and not to make translations at all. He wanted to focus on the «Cossacks» development. I was shoked with such sudden answer on my prayer.

After two years my boss told me straight, «Here's a sum of money. It's yours, you can take it any time you want.» Thenadays I'd watched a film «Schindler`s List» and it impressed me a lot. If I have money it's bad when it just lying vainly. I must use it for good things, for the spreading of God' Word and for human's salvation. I took the money. Part of it I used for my needs, part of it I offered to my church. At that time apartments in Kiev costed rather cheap. So I bought an apartment (19,000$). I guess that was the lowest price for an apartment ever. Now apartments have risen in prise in 10-15 times. Till that time a lot of things had been changed in our country. Paying taxes had become much easier. A fixed tax had appeared and my dream to pay taxes honestly and to have a normal level of life had become true. Wonderfully how God gave me everything for normal life, though I didn't seek it. Jesus Christ said: «But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well». That word is absolutely true. It was impossible to calculate and predict everything so exactly. It was impossible not to see God's hand in all those things.

As it had turned out later, the buying of the apartment became a bullet point of another very important event in my lyfe — my marriage. Please, don't thing that my future wife was so matherialistic that she sought only for a husband with apartments. But her mother was dead set against any non-Orthodoxal churches, especially against the church which I attended, because our pastor was korean. She forbade Marina (my wife) to attend meetings even up to violent steps. But Marina still attended meetings no matter the suppressions. When I saw her faith and her life I realized that I would like to have her as my wife. I also liked her appearance. But it was scary because I knew that her mother was dead set against the church I attended. To my great surprise Marina's mother didn't mind if we would get married. So my marriage was also a great mirracle. A few days before I offered to marry me, Marina had a revelation in prayer that I would be her husband. We hadn't date before so there were no signs of my intentions, so she even thought that it could be a temptation. Yet she didn't imagine her life without me. Without having any guess in three days I offered her to marry me. In two months we got married. God's hand undoubtedly was in all that. It was like in fairy tail as if somebody gathered up the puzzle. It may be strange to read these lines — aren't two people to have dates to know each other better, to find out that they fit each other? But I simply believed that we would get along with each other anyway because we were Christians. I will write later about how it was practically. When I write these lines I think that it looks like a fairy tail. There were doubts, fallings, temptetions, sufferings and worries indeed, but I can hardly remember all those bad things, because they seem so small and unimportant in comparison with all things that God has done in my life.

---

So me and Marina got married! In a year our first son Peter was born. Marina's relatives (especially her mom) strongly insisted on keeping the child far from any «baby-sitters» even for short. But we couldn't stay at home all the time because we tried to serve in the church actively. So Marina's mother became the only one baby-sitter to our child. Though it was only about two or three hours a week, but it was a bit hard because all that time we were listening reproaches that we were worshiping korean (of cource we were not) and many other reproachings. It had become an onerous burden. We prayed and sought for a way out because it was useless to argue or to prove something. Then we decided to ask my mom and grandmom to move to Kiev. Formerly my mother was against the Bible, but till that time he had sincerely believed. Yet they agreed to move only if there was a place to live. So we decided to buy an apartment not far from us. But how? We had never had savings, 3000-4000$ maximum. Then I decided to talk to my boss, explain him everything, and ask for credit. Though the sum was pretty big he'd agreed. And on a vey amazing conditions at that. He didn't took anything from my salary, only from my awards, still those awards always were to the max. So the credit was paid back very quickly. It was hard to call that a credit, because it rather seemed like a present. Isn't it a mirracle? Do such things happen? Praise God! Besides we'd bought an apartment right before new jump in prices, so in half a year it costed two or three times more expensive. My mom and grandmom moved to us soon and helped us very well in everithing. God gave us a like-mindedness in everything. Yet it doesn't meen that we didn't have conflicts at all. My mom and wife have almost opposite characters. So sometimes there were offences and misunderstandings. But when it happened I asked everyone to gather around the table. We read from Mtthew 5:23,24 «Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift», then we hug one another and asked forgiveness and after that we loved each other even more. That word's really been keeping and strengthening our family.

Several more years past. We started to create a new fantasy-style game «Heroes of Annihilated Empires». I did not like a lot in that game. I had to fight against any kind of scenes close to erotic in movie clips. Once we had to change one movie clip entirely. And that was not the only thing that I didn't like. I have to hand it to my boss, he tried to follow my demends. But still it was hard. I wanted to change my job, but it was very hard because millions were invested in that game so to quit was equal to betrayal. Our relations were always established not on a contract but on a trust, so it was against my conscience just to quit. I'd finished the first part of the game. But sellings were not good, so it could hardly cover expenses on its development, though all previous games were sold pretty successfully. We began to develop the second part 'cause we had a contract on three parts.

Right at that time my wife had an idea — to make a game based on John's Bunyan «The Pilgrim's Progress». We wanted to tell people about the Christ interesting and not obsessively, especially to those who would even hold the Bible in his hands. Me and some of my friends gathered to think about the concept of the game and the script. That was rather nontrivial because in the book the way of Christian was perfectly streight, so what gameplay could we do in the game? There are a lot of dialogs in the book but unlikely reading of big dialogs would be interesting for those who play. Then a lot of ideas appeared. For example, an idea of «assignment» of initial character and set of bad habbits, and for a player it becomes a taks to find different ways to motivate and reform heroes' character to save him from the upcoming furious historical events and death eventually.

At the same time I was deep in thought about the essence of Christianity. The key question in that search was one verse from the Bible Mtthew 7:13,14

«Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it».

---

I knew very well that the narrow gate symbolized the Christ himself who saves everyone who believe. My understanding was very simple — a man repented, believed in Christ — recieved salvation and besides with guarantee of security. But once I noticed that there was a word «way» in that verse. It turned out that there was not only the narrow gate but also the narrow way that led to the eternal life. That way only took its begining at the narrow gate. Coming to believe is only the begining of the way. What is the way? The Bible says (Jesus' words):

"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him".

I'd understood that meeting the Christ on my life-way was not enough. The meeting itself is very important, but if after that my way and Jesus' way have parted it is not much benefit from that meeting. Weren't there a lot people in history who liked christian ideas, but later they'd become the Christ's foes? So first of all, the Christ is the one who redeemed me, secondly, he is the one who leads me to the perfection, to the perfect inner law which is written not on a paper but in our heart. My favourite verse from the Bible became a Hebrews 8:10

«This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel after that time, declares the Lord. I will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. No longer will a man teach his neighbor, or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest».

The beginning of true faith is the Comandments written on the tables of stone, the end is the teaching of Jesus Christ written in a heart of any believer. That way cannot be passed without the Christ. That way cannot be passed just by being based on human traditions. As it is written «for the law made nothing perfect». But where is the Christ? What does it mean that he leads me? Isn't it a fantasy? I want to tell you what did it mean for me. Till that time I'd been attending the church for 11 years, I read sermons, I was considered as a good preacher and group leader. Everybody respected me. Once I was told to read a sermon based on the third chapter of Mark's Gospel. Then I especially drew my attention on Mark 3:14,15

«He appointed twelve--designating them apostles--that they might be with him and that he might send them out to preach and to have authority to drive out demons».

I realized — Jesus appointed the desciples that they might be with him first of all. Secondly, send them out to preach, and thirdly, he gave them authority to heal people and drive out demons. I thought that was what Jesus gives to those who become HIS disciple! I'd been coming to close quarters with issue №1 — to be with him, with issue №2 — to be send to preach. But what about issue №3 — gave them authority over diseases and evel spirits? I didn't see it in me, though I considered myself as Jesus' desciple. But suddenly I believed that Jesus really gives such authority to his disciples. Not that I love authority somehow, but I realized that I'd missed something important in my following after Jesus. And I began to seek God with new passion and desire. I understood that if I follow Jesus I must do it properely. I prayed very early in the morning that God might show me the way how was I supposed to live and what to do.

And once my close friend showed me one forum on the web where the discussion about the problems of the church I'd been attended for 11 years were held. My friend was very amazed and shocked himself by that information so he asked what to do now? I'd read all the information attentively and I was deeply shocked myself by all those facts that were stated. I saw amazing cruelty and manipulations, the destruction of personality, an intimidation as a source of submission to leaders which had often been covered by «good intention» - to reform one's character. I trusted the lines I'd read because I'd seen more than once similar humiliations and cruelty in my own congregation. I'd thought that if even part of that was true how then could we live with that any longer? We had to fall down and repent in dust and ashes, we had to change something. I prayed and asked for the answer from God. Suddenly one verse from the Bible came to my mind «So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed». I rejoiced! Right in that time I'd realized that I was free from fear and servility before «the leaders», though before that I accepted every their word as the truth and if something was not understandable I sought for excuses to that. But that fear disappeared suddenly. I became a truly free man. I realized — the time had come and Jesus Christ had set me free from fear and from the slavary of human's authority, and from the slavary of «what do they think about me». In the evening after an another meeting I came back home full of joy and strength. My mother was sick. She had an antritis. I remembered Mark 3:14,15 and decided to pray for healing. The next day she was completely healed! Glory be to Jesus Christ!!! I got it — freedom from fear was very important for me. Fear and worshiping people had always made me powerless.

---

But when I told everything to the main leader the reaction was very cold and cruel. I was told that critcism of the organization was from Satan. The hard times began. Everything that I got used to began to break down. From «one of the best» I became a «man through whom Satan works» or a «Judas». But that was not important for me anymore, because when I'd lost my authority in the eyes of people I found the Christ himself. That is much more important than anything else. I won't retell you all the details. It stoped when I and some other members were asked to leave the congregation and «not prevent the work of God». It lasted for 9 months because we had been trying to do our best to change something and not just to leave.

During that time many things had changed in my world outlook. Those words from the Bible that seemed to be «strange» suddenly became filled with deep meaning

«But you are not to be called 'Rabbi,' for you have only one Master and you are all brothers. And do not call anyone on earth 'father,' for you have one Father, and he is in heaven. Nor are you to be called 'teacher,' for you have one Teacher, the Christ».

Jesus warned about the relations among Christians might not be like chief and subordinate. On the contrary whoever wants to become great must be a servant and be like the smallest. There is a strict hierarchy in the world but in spiritual world everything is quite different — there is only one Commander — the Christ, others are brothers. Those who are stronger and have more experience in faith are the elders. But they are not like bosses but like servants, like those who lead others by the example of their own righteous and holy life and faith; and they use their gifts for helping others and not for placing others under their authority.

Suddenly I realized and deeply accepted the essence of the New Testament. It is wriiten clear in Hebrews 8:10-12

«This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel after that time, declares the Lord. I will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. No longer will a man teach his neighbor, or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest. For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more».

The aim of the New Testament is to make righteousness not just a fear before «lashing» which forces people not to do evil, but the very nature of human. Jesus said not without reason before his death (Mtt.26:28)

«This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness (abandonment) of sins».

That righteousness starts from repentance and forgiveness of sins and comes from the unification with the Christ. The display of that unification is in loving Jesus' commandments more and more and full devotion to the Christ. We always have a choice — to act according to what is right according to God's or to act according to what is profitable or comfortable. The true happiness is to live and act according to God and conscience even if it costs something. And usually it does cost something. But there is no greater torments than when you act according to your own interests and will and against the Christ. There is a great God's support in failures and in forgiveness. But that support is not for «soft fallings» but for possibility to get up and keep going to perfection. «Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.»

So as I told before, we began the development of the game «Pilgrim's Progress». But we had no money at the beginning except some savings (about 7000$). We spent that money in half a year and it became rather hard to go on. There were no investors, besides we didn't want to become dependent on anyone. Simultaneously I've been writting a program «3D-Brush» with a double purpose, first of all to get some finances for furthere development of the game and secondly to detail our game characters. We didn't like «Zbrush»; we haven't even understood how to draw color. May be if we had examined «Zbrush» and found out how to draw color normaly «3D-Brush» wouldn't have been made :) (I do know now that it is possible to draw color in Zbrush). After a while when it became clear that money was gone we decided to finish 3D-Brush quickly and to establish our own financial foundation to not be dependent on somebody else.

It was not an easy time. There was no income. Our family was living on my mom's and grandmom's pension (300$). My family consist of myself, my wife, our two children, my mother and Granny. Was it possible to live on that money? Nevertheless we lived pretty good, we were healthy, we were well fed, no one complained. It was interesting that in that Summer in nearby village (about 5 minutes of walking) many villagers asked my wife and my mother to take apples for free and with no limit. Who besides God gained their hearts to us? So that Summer we had a record amount of conservations. But what was the most amazing that no one condemned my life choice. Can you imagine a wife with two children that is just calmly watching her husband who doesn't earn money, though he could earn a lot (believe me there were a lot of propositions)? At that time we could clearly experience a principle «But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.»

---

At last I've finished the program 3D-Brush. But at the very last moment I doubted because it could be used as you liked including for not good purposes. Then we decided to make a limitation in license agreement and download section with reference to responsibility before God in using the program for bad purposes. It would be against our conscience to release the program without such limitation and we would suffer from watching how our program is being used. A sense of peace with God and your own conscience is much more expensive than any money. After that a storm came! A sharp dispute has begun on NewTek (and Mudbox) forum about my supposedly intrusion of my religion through my program. Furthermore, I was accused of hypocrisy, yet that was reasonable because I made games before. Those very hard two weeks of my life. I remembered a principle «do not judge, or you too will be judged». I judged others (the church I attended). I called people to be opened to solve painful problems instead of suppression. Now I was judged myself. Was it good or bad? I'm sure it was good. What shall I do? Shall I say: «oh, what a sinners who oppose God!» or I shall try to look into, try to understand others and try to help them understand me. I spoke with people a lot, I told them about my position about my life and so on. Eventually we've moderated our license agreement conditions in a way to keep the meaning but to make it less defiant. After a while the storm had calmed down but I've recieved an important lesson — you must always clarify a situation and try to deal with those who have something against you (of course I don't mean, for example, bandits who want to rob you and not to listen for your arguments). It is written in the Bible, I've already written about that.

Now we've made a meeting in our flat. Basicly my old friends come. We study the Bible deeply and we try to do it objectively as long as we are not a part of any denomination; we're just a Christians, those who follow the Christ. As it turned out we are not alone in that. There are a lot of such small groups as ours in Kiev and all over the world. You can see it on //simplechurch.com.ua. It is very close to our world-view. We gather together occasionally but there is no dependence from each other. There is a cooperation, there is a similar aims, there is a desire to serve other people and bring them a testimony about Jesus Christ. It is much better to be dependent on the Christ than on the other people.

This story is not finished yet. I'm sure there will be a lot of interesting in it. And I'm so thankful to God. To live with him is so much better than to hide from him. I'm aslo thankful to those people who have been supporting me and rebuked when I was wrong. Thanks to Marina, Stas, Volodya, my mom and Granny. Without their patience and firmness it would be hard.

Написать комментарий